There are negative things and difficult changes that happened in my life that serve a purpose. I believe they do, at least. Even though I learned from those events, I feel at this point they are hindering more than helping. They affect my attitude, my outlook, my reactions to people and to emotions, and until I had something new and positive come along in my life, I never realized how significantly the negative things were holding me back from letting in and enjoying the positive.
Thrown at you like a stone, painful events hit you and then fall away after a moment, a few hours, a few days…but there’s always a bruise. But how long will it take to go away? Some hurt more intensely and show the least because they are deep beneath the surface. Some are emblazoned with bright purple and blue, dramatic, but fade quickly.
I feel battered and bruised. Tougher on the outside because of it, which fends off future bruising, but the early ones sit there, and even harsh new bruises, linger. They distract and eat away at the carefree person I was when I was younger. I miss the way I used to be. More quiet, definitely naive, but I took in everything around me freely because I didn’t need a filter, or a wall. Life was life and every experience was new and even the painful ones I cherished because I learned something about myself.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped learning about myself and began controlling what I did and how I acted, even who I met because I knew how to deal more easily with the bad stuff. Now that something good has come along, I’m so built up with the other crap, that I need to process it before I miss out on something I’ve been waiting for.
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